Entry tags:

dear sirius, duva, fictionalcandie

Dear Sirius (22/52)
Title: Dear Sirius (part 22/52)
Author: duva & fictionalcandie via garderob
Genre: Humor/Romance
Chapter Word Count: ~3500
Status: Complete
Chapter Rating: PG-13/T, for language, innuendo, and objectionable content, like Sirius calling someone a retard and admonishing them to use their brain.
Spoilers: Uh, not really. It's so ridiculously AU that it kinda becomes almost completely unspoilerific.
Pairing: James/Sirius
Warnings: AU. Language, slight sexual content, innuendo.
Disclaimer: We are not JKR and do not own these characters — at least, not the ones you recognise. Please don't sue us, Jo!
Summary: Thrice weekly in the Evening Prophet's entertainment section, Sirius Black answers all your questions, from the mundane to the complicated to the just plain weird.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight, Chapter Nine A, Chapter Nine B, Chapter Ten, Chapter Eleven, Chapter Twelve, Chapter Thirteen, Chapter Fourteen, Chapter Fifteen, Chapter Sixteen, Chapter Seventeen, Chapter Eighteen, Chapter Nineteen, Chapter Twenty, Chapter Twenty-One
Notes: Most of the important backstory for this — where it differs from canon, anyway — can be found in the newspaper collage at the beginning of the first chapter, but if you're still confused about something, please ask. If you missed any chapters, just follow the above links to get caught up. Remember to comment if you enjoyed this! And we're still taking suggestions for questions from Sirius's readers — can you think of something you'd like to ask Sirius? — so go ahead and comment with those, too!

And on a completely unrelated note, you're all lucky to get a chapter this week, as fictionalcandie is completely preoccupied and spastastic since she is going to watch Quantum of Solace at midnight and is absurdly excited about it. She says for everyone to praise duva's organisational skills and be grateful. *nodnod*

Monday, 13 February 1984 Dear Sirius, Is there any talent you don't have that you wish you did? /Jude Dear Jude, I can't play any musical instrument, not even to save my life. Sirius Dear Sirius, What's your favourite kind of jam? /RR Dear RR, Strawberry. Sirius Dear Sirius, If you were a girl, what would your name be? /Kristina Dear Kristina, If I'd been born a girl, my mother would probably have named me Walburga. Or Cassiopeia. Or I might have been named Sirius, anyway. Sirius Dear Sirius, I have a problem. Both of my parents are Muggleborn and very fascinated by all things magic, still. I, however, have recently met this fabulous Muggle man... and I want to give up my magical lifestyle and start a normal Muggle life with him. How do I break these news to my parents? /Wilful child Dear Wilful, Just explain it to them the way you explained it to me. If they love you, they'll understand. And it is your life and your choice, not theirs — you can't live it to please them. Sirius Dear Sirius, I don't know what to do. I feel completely hopeless, useless, and pointless. There's no one in my life who actually needs me or benefits from having me around. I'm just a nuisance and an annoyance and a waste of space. Should I just throw myself in the lake and hope that the Giant Squid will eat me? /Alicia Dear Alicia, Do no such thing, young lady. I'm sure everything you said about no-one needing you or benefiting from having you around is, at the very least, an exaggeration. You must have at least some friends? Parents? Siblings? I assure you that if anything were to happen to you, all of them would be devastated. Besides. The Squid doesn't actually eat people. Trust me. Sirius Dear Sirius, How would I go about getting a job at the paper you work for? /Aspiring journalist Dear Aspiring, Well, that depends. Are you any good? Sirius Dear Sirius, I think the book about your family is being written by a co-worker of yours, actually! A young and upcoming writer called Rita something. /Jerry Dear Jerry, ... Rita something's last name wouldn't happen to begin with an S, would it? Sirius Dear Sirius, What's really the point of having to learn Defense Against the Dark Arts now that You-Know-Who is dead? /Fed up Dear Fed, Preparing for the next Dark Lord, you idiot. What, you think no other wizards are ever going to think they know better than the rest of us and should take over, ever again, just because this Dark Lord is gone? Are you some kind of mental retard, or something? Use your brain, man. Sirius Dear Sirius, Do you and James ever bicker or fight? And if so, about what? /Lida Dear Lida, We fight a lot, actually. About stupid male things. We resolve it by wrestling, though, so it's all good. Sirius Dear Sirius, How do I go about asking this girl in my year out? We're not in the same House at school but we've spoken a bit before and I really like her, but I have no idea how to bring it up! Help! /Clueless, 14 Dear Clueless, Try blushing, looking adorable, and shyly saying, "I... I think you're... r-really pretty. I'd l-love it if you'd go to Hogsmeade with me/have lunch by the lake with me/study in the library with me." Or, if you're suaver than that, sling your arm around her shoulder, smile dashingly, and ask her why the two of you haven't hooked up yet, since she's so fabulous. Sirius

---

Residence of Sirius Black and James Potter
14 February 1984
7.14 pm

"Are you going to make me do the dishes?" enquires Sirius, using his napkin to remove from his face any sign of the fact he's just had double portions of every single thing James fixed for supper.

"Because it's so very strenuous, having a wand and all," James says with a grin, shaking his head slightly. "Several seconds..."

"… all down the drain," quips Sirius, drawing his wand. "Think of all the other things I could be doing with those seconds!"

"I think you'll survive," James says, laughing a little as he exits the kitchen.

Sirius pulls a face at James's back, but dutifully waves his wand to straighten the kitchen and set the dishes to floating toward the sink and cleaning themselves.

"Pull any muscles?" James calls from the living room.

"My right wrist will never be the same again," Sirius replies, putting his wand away and strolling from the kitchen. He grins wickedly. "I anticipate needing lots of help with certain things from now on…"

"What, from my right wrist?"

"Mm, or whatever other body part you chose to employ."

"You might have more luck with my left."

Sirius slouches over to the couch. "Why must you be like that?"

James raises an eyebrow at him. "What, left-handed? Can't help it, I was born that way."

"No. Difficult," corrects Sirius sternly.

"I'm not difficult," James protests, moving his feet out of the way to clear a spot for Sirius on the couch.

Sirius promptly flops into said cleared space. "Are too."

"Am not. I'm lovable."

"If by lovable you mean annoying…"

"I suggest you shut up if you want to enjoy any ministrations from either of my wrists tonight," James says, lightly kicking Sirius's thigh.

"Oh, like you'd ever deny me," scoffs Sirius, smirkingly. He waves his allegedly injured right wrist at the television. "May I?"

The roll of James's eyes rather jives with the snicker that escapes him. "Go ahead."

"Thanks," Sirius says, already flicking his wand. Then, seeing he'd had it on his beloved infomercial channel when he'd turned it off last time, and thus doesn't need to switch to it, he grins and puts his wand away again.

"Oh, joy."

"I love this—" Sirius begins to say, before all of the pink, red and white on the television screen registers with his brain. Then he cuts off, gaping a little bit, as the host of the infomercial appears and begins praising (obviously, for about the twentieth time) the handmade paper doilies with personalisable Valentine's messages.

"Well, that's gaudy," James remarks, sitting up a little straighter.

"…fucking hell," Sirius mutters, apparently to himself.

"Hm?"

Sirius continues to gape, possibly a little stricken, at the television. "That's today!"

"National gaudy decorations day?" James says, frowning. "… oh."

"Yes, oh."

"… your point being?"

Sirius sends him a narrow, sideways look. James just looks at him.

"…I like how neither of us are saying anything here," Sirius declares after a moment.

"Like what?"

"James."

"What?"

Sirius frowns. "Do we celebrate… er… today?"

"Er." James looks at the TV screen once more. "D'you think we should?"

"Well." Sirius visibly thinks about it. "I guess I've never really had much against it, so… d'you think we should?"

James looks vaguely uncomfortable. "Don't you think it'd be… weird?"

Sirius stares at him. "Why?"

"Just… I don't know."

"You mean, because you don't want to feel like the girl," offers Sirius, somehow managing to keep a straight face while he says it.

"Oi, why would I be the girl?" James argues, seemingly more on reflex than anything else. "It'd just — which one of us would buy the chocolate?"

"Er…" Sirius blinks.

"I mean, that's what the man's supposed to do," James continues. "Only I'm a man, and you're a man, and there's no woman, and who would buy the bleeding chocolate?"

Since the subject is chocolate, Sirius considers this question, well, seriously. Then he asks, "Well, couldn't we both? Get our own, I mean."

"Doesn't sound very romantic to me," James mutters. Then, seemingly realising what he's just said, he blushes bright red.

Unable to help himself, Sirius grins. "We'd share when we ate them, idiot," he murmurs, rather gently. "That — in addition to being the importance of chocolates to begin with — is the romantic part."

"Oh."

Sirius reaches over to poke his side gently. "So. Do we celebrate?"

"Rather late to go out and buy chocolates now, isn't it?" James asks, still rather flushed.

"It's not that late," protests Sirius.

"But you just ate two helpings of sticky toffee pudding."

"… your point?"

"D'you really think what you need is more sugar?" James asks, shaking his head a bit.

Sirius laughs. "Oh, c'mon, James, you should know by now that I don't have a sugar limit like you lesser mortals."

"Well, yeah, but I won't be able to sleep if you're tossing and turning all night," James replies, looking rather triumphant. At this, Sirius makes a disgruntled face, clearly recognising that James has a point. "Anyways," James says, poking Sirius a bit with his foot again, "isn't Valentine's Day a bit naff, really?"

"It celebrates chocolate, James."

"Sirius."

Sirius grins innocently. "What?"

"You already celebrate chocolate Wednesdays." James pauses for effect. "Every week."

"Well, then, this would be an excuse to make you celebrate with me," retorts Sirius, unabashed to be called on his dedication to the sweet.

James's foot prods Sirius's thigh once more. "So I only get chocolate once a year?"

"Oh, please."

"No, I'm serious, here."

Sirius's grin makes an abrupt, taunting appearance. "You can't be, I am."

"… walked straight into that one, didn't I," James says, shaking his head in appearant self-disgust. "Anyway. What you're saying is that the only point of Valentine's Day is chocolate."

"Well, of course." Sirius sits up a bit straighter on his end of the couch, at looks intently at the television as he adds, "All the rest of it… I don't see much point, y'know?"

James nods, also regarding the television. "So how about you share your chocolate with me tomorrow, instead?"

"Only if you promise not to laugh at me this time."

"When did I ever laugh at you?"

"Last week," replies Sirius promptly. "You accused me of mooning."

James blinks. "When did I ever — oh." A grin spreads over his face. "For a second I thought you meant mooning as in showing off your arse."

Sirius looks around for something to throw at James.

"And since that's a daily occurance nowadays —"

Sirius shoots him a look that is trying extremely hard to be grumpy. "You're rather a prick, you know that?"

"Did I say it was a bad thing?" James asks, grinning very widely now.

"Oy," Sirius whines, slouching back down and resting his head against the back of the couch. "Tell me again why I can't have chocolate tonight?"

James shrugs. "Sure you can."

Sirius turns his head to look at James suspiciously. "You said I'd keep you up all night."

"Not if I sleep in my room," James says, then frowns a little. "If I can dig my bed out from underneath all that junk."

A scowl seems to come over Sirius's face, though he's obviously trying to hide it. "What?"

"I dumped a load of newspapers and crap on it."

"Then clearly you can't sleep in there."

James shrugs. "We have formation practise first thing tomorrow morning, I can't have you keeping me awake all night."

"Obviously." Sirius pauses a moment, and appears to struggle briefly with something, then mumbles, "So, no chocolate it is."

This statement brings about a rather smug look on James's face.

"Oh, sit on it."

Ignoring Sirius's final words, James says, rather softly, "Maybe you do have a sense of romance after all."

Going back to staring at the television, Sirius's cheeks turn slightly pink.

"Oi."

"What?" asks Sirius, without turning his head.

"What do you think you're doing, ignoring me in favour of infomercials? And on Valentine's Day, too."

"You're the reason I'm not having any chocolate tonight," grumbles Sirius. "I don't think you have any reason to complain."

"Maybe I'll make it up to you," James says, his foot once more connecting gently with the other man's leg.

"Oh, I was intending you to," Sirius assures him. He edges a little closer to James, not taking his eyes off the tv.

"I mean, there's still a third of that sticky toffee pudding left…"

Sirius deigns to turn his attention to his best friend instead of the television set. He raises one eyebrow.

"… and some ice cream?"

Sirius's other eyebrow joins the first. James just looks at him, a would-be-innocent look on his face.

"I have no idea what you're getting at," Sirius declares. Rather insincerely, actually.

"Just that I could go heat some up for you," James says, the grin slowly returning to his lips. "If you want."

Sirius's eyes drift down to James's lips. "No, no, that's fine. I'm not… hungry."

"Oh," says James, unconsciously licking his lips at Sirius's gaze. "Well. Maybe I'll just go to bed, then. Long day tomorrow and all."

Sirius is still staring, his gray eyes darkened slightly. "Mmhm…"

"Right," James says, nodding before standing up. "Well. Good night, then."

"I think I should come with you," declares Sirius, standing as well.

"What, to make sure I don't get lost?"

"To make sure you do get lost," says Sirius, grinning, and finally turning his eyes up to meet James's again.

James laughs. "That sounds rather counterproductive."

"You've no sense of adventure anymore," Sirius admonishes, a heartbeat before he pounces, grabbing the back of James's head with one hand, his shirt with the other, and kissing him.

---

Wednesday, 15 February 1984 Dear Sirius, I don't know anything about any books being written but there is a writer at the Prophet called Rita Skeeter. Don't you read your own newspaper? /Calvin Dear Calvin, Actually, I was aware there was a junior reporter here named Rita Skeeter, but I was hoping someone would tell me it wasn't her. I've got a very unpleasant feeling in my gut now... Sirius Dear Sirius, Have you ever seen a dead body? /Morbid curiosity Dear Morbid, Actually, I've created a few dead bodies. So the answer to your question is obviously yes. Sirius Dear Sirius, Did you have a nice Valentine's Day? What did you get up to? /Sarah Dear Sarah, I had an excellent Valentine's Day and I got up quite a lot, thank you for asking. Sirius Dear Sirius, My son married this bint who is completely unworthy of him. I've managed to avoid her since the wedding three years ago, but now she's pregnant. I don't want anything to do with her, but I do want to see my grandchild. What should I do? /Grandmother-to-be Dear Future Grandmother, You might try getting over yourself. You should probably consider the fact that, if you've managed to avoid her for three years (and I think it says something that their marriage has lasted this long), then it's probably not due entirely to your wishes; be open to the possibility that she thinks you're a bint, as well. Possibly an overprotective one with apron-string issues. It's admirable that you want to be around for your grandchild, but first you should really try accepting that that will require being around that child's mother — also known as your son's wife. Just, you know, something to think about. Sirius Dear Sirius, Is it possible, do you reckon, for a man and a woman to be just friends, without any sexual overtones? /Kian Dear Kian, It's definitely possible! Consider my second-best friend, Lily Evans. We've never had the least sexual overtones to our relationship. Sirius Dear Sirius, If you were stuck on a desert island with just one other person, who would you choose and why? /Hallie Dear Hallie, I would choose James, because he is by turns my best friend, my brother, and my better half. I don't think I would enjoy being alive if he were not around. Sirius Dear Sirius, Have you got any hints on how to sneak down to Hogsmeade? /Cabin fevered Dear Fevered, Do you really think I'd share that sort of thing in a national publication? Try sending me your home owling address, and we'll see if I can help you... Sirius Dear Sirius, Is it all right for a Gryffindor to go out with a Slytherin? This boy asked me and he seems all right but I'm doubtful. /Lioness Dear Lioness, I think it's quite all right. Not all Slytherins are as bad as they seem — though, in my experience, most are. Just be prepared to be disappointed, if he turns out to not be as nice as he seems. Sirius Dear Sirius, Have you ever done karaoke? If so, what did you sing? Did you enjoy it? /Singing Bee Dear Bee, I've done it once or twice in Muggle clubs. I like to sing classic rock — emphasis on like and classic — but I'm afraid I'm not very good unless I've had at least three shots of whiskey. Sirius Dear Sirius, Who wins these wrestling matches at your house, you or James Potter? /Curious Kate Dear Kate, Sometimes I win, sometimes he wins, and sometimes with both win. Usually, I let him win, though; he sulks otherwise. Sirius

Friday, 17 February 1984 Dear Sirius, Is it normal for a heterosexual male to tell his equally heterosexual male friend that he loves him? /Pondering PS: Whilst sober! Dear Pondering, I think it's perfectly normal, providing heterosexual male #1 actually does love heterosexual male #2. (That sort of thing does happen, you know; it's perfectly normal to love your friends.) Sirius Dear Sirius, Lily's your second-best friend now, is she? Thanks a lot mate, really feeling the love here. Woundedly yours, R.J.L. Dear Remus, Well, Lils smells better than you do. Sirius Dear Sirius, Do you smoke? /Alice Dear Alice, I used to. Then I got better. Sirius Dear Sirius, Have you ever broken any bones? If so, how did it happen? /Eric Dear Eric, Well, I broke my arm once when I was fighting James. And during the War, I broke just about all the bones in my left foot and ankle, while in what the Muggles would call a "fire fight" with a bunch of DEs. And when I was 8, I broke both my arms in one night... but then, I had help with that. There was an... incident... at the bottom of the well... Sirius Dear Sirius, I'm 18 years old and recently started my first job, as a secretary. I love my job but there's something that's bothering me: every time I walk past my boss, he slaps my bottom! The other women in my office tell me it's just how he is and that I shouldn't take it personally, but it's really bothering me. What should I do? /Secretary Dear Secretary, Try complaining to HIS boss? Because that's really inappropriate behaviour, especially if he does it to more people than just you. If he doesn't have a boss, well, try putting an Imperturbable Charm on your bum. Sirius Dear Sirius, HELP HELP HELP!! This girl I've been seeing sort of casually just told me she's pregnant! And that it's mine! I don't want a serious relationship with her -- and I DEFINITELY don't want a baby! I'm only 22 years old! What should I do? /K.B. Dear K.B., Well you should have thought of that before, shouldn't you? But here's an idea, genius: Why don't you just use a Time-Turner to go back in time and tell your earlier self to keep your trousers zipped, yeah? Failing that, you could always demand a Verum of Paternus Charm. Though I really think it would serve you right if it is yours. Sirius Dear Sirius, How do I convince my parents that I really need a new racing broom? /Elias Dear Elias, Point out that all your friends have them. (Even if it's not true.) Or crash the old one, and blame it on a defect in the broom — so that, obviously, you need a new top-of-the-line broom on which all the latest safety charms come pre-cast. Sirius Dear Sirius, I think I'm in love with my sister's boyfriend! What should I do?! /Sister Dear Sister, I recommend counselling. Or a convent. There's really nothing else you can do, without alienating one, or both, of the other parties involved. Sirius Dear Sirius, I am really BAD at keeping secrets. Whenever someone tells me something in confidence I always end up blabbing even though I don't mean to. It's starting to really upset my friends. What should I do? /Blabbermouth Dear Mouthy, Well, if you don't think you can live the rest of your life with tape over your mouth, you might try warning all of your friends (and frequently remind them, should they forget) that you're not to be trusted with anything they wouldn't tell, say, the town crier. Beyond that, I can't really help you. I've never in my life had anything resembling that problem, nor have any of my friends. Sirius Dear Sirius, On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, how good-looking do you think you are? /Sebastian Dear Sebastian, Well, in the mornings, I'm always sure I'm a 10. By lunch time my ego has deflated enough for me to realise I'm only an 8. But I'm always a 10 again by bedtime! Sirius